Mitch Hedberg

I've been lol'ing all morning reading a Mitch Hedberg thread. Enjoy some of my favorite quotes:

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

This shirt is "dry clean only"... which means it's dirty.

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

also - I saw this rhino, and he was eating grapes, and i said, "what the fuck is a rhino doing in italy"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I like refried beans, which makes me want to try fried beans. Because maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time.

Is a Hippopotamus really a Hippopotamus, or is it just a really cool Opotamus?

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

Escalators can never break, they can only become stairs

smokey the bear is a lot more intense in person

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it! Build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament

At the end of my letters, I like to write "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like?

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they'll invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know... very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful... I'm gonna go pick something up."